i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.