It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
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He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.