Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
