You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score