There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.