Texts From Last Night

wad0cash's Favorites Texts:

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  (914): View more from New York

  All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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  (914): All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore. http://tfl.nu/ai56
  Replies (5) Good night (2517) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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  (248): Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend. http://tfl.nu/0gh5
  Replies (10) Good night (3026) Bad night (311) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

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  (860): How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex. http://tfl.nu/eztj
  Replies (8) Good night (1575) Bad night (329) Order T-Shirt
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

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  (567): i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand http://tfl.nu/mvlp
  Replies (3) Good night (1629) Bad night (290) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

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  (732): How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar http://tfl.nu/83wg
  Replies (10) Good night (2622) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Would it have been easier if he talked to her?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.

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  (416): Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled. (647): Would it have been easier if he talked to her? (416): Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing. http://tfl.nu/gzgt
  Replies (8) Good night (3206) Bad night (308)
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  (716): View more from New York

  The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.

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  (716): The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man. http://tfl.nu/vdpw
  Replies (7) Good night (2359) Bad night (325) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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  (831): I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT. http://tfl.nu/8xfg
  Replies (8) Good night (1749) Bad night (212) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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  (608): You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal. http://tfl.nu/so63
  Replies (20) Good night (6245) Bad night (357)
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.

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  (478): He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him. http://tfl.nu/w7kg
  Replies (7) Good night (1721) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

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  (412): He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far. http://tfl.nu/xxyj
  Replies (11) Good night (2101) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

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  (801): walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home. http://tfl.nu/tt4s
  Replies (7) Good night (2850) Bad night (323)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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  (360): thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking http://tfl.nu/sj60
  Replies (8) Good night (2898) Bad night (329) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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  (905): you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed. http://tfl.nu/nsl5
  Replies (13) Good night (3323) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.

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  (770): You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned. http://tfl.nu/2qpc
  Replies (5) Good night (1878) Bad night (342) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.

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  (215): the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul. http://tfl.nu/vout
  Replies (11) Good night (1454) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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  (314): You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head. http://tfl.nu/as38
  Replies (29) Good night (1254) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

  (434): View more from Virginia

  Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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  (240): Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird. (434): Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls. http://tfl.nu/td3o
  Replies (10) Good night (2893) Bad night (341)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.

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  (314): you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything. http://tfl.nu/wqjw
  Replies (5) Good night (1845) Bad night (233) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

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  (912): Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back http://tfl.nu/294t
  Replies (7) Good night (2294) Bad night (401)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

  (253): View more from Washington

  ppsyche im wasted where are you

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  (253): i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down (253): ppsyche im wasted where are you http://tfl.nu/a8tg
  Replies (5) Good night (3169) Bad night (333)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  How did you even find out?

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Oh.

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  (973): How did you even find out? (1-973): Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom." (973): Oh. http://tfl.nu/227x
  Replies (9) Good night (2301) Bad night (858)
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  (914): View more from New York

  I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.

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  (914): I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me. http://tfl.nu/7a7a
  Replies (5) Good night (1267) Bad night (1345) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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  (847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh
  Replies (15) Good night (3919) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.

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  (+61): remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice. http://tfl.nu/vzpo
  Replies (21) Good night (4028) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

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  (509): Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters http://tfl.nu/r1et
  Replies (20) Good night (3727) Bad night (954) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.

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  (949): You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept. http://tfl.nu/3n2j
  Replies (15) Good night (2677) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

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  (314): Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly. http://tfl.nu/f0vi
  Replies (10) Good night (2121) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  This hangover makes more sense now

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  (817): Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"... (1-817): This hangover makes more sense now http://tfl.nu/3zvy
  Replies (11) Good night (2161) Bad night (290)
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  (310): View more from California

  Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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  (310): Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well. http://tfl.nu/39wu
  Replies (20) Good night (6983) Bad night (361)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.

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  (617): Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it. http://tfl.nu/o2t5
  Replies (8) Good night (1198) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.

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  (303): Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear. http://tfl.nu/k7jc
  Replies (17) Good night (3345) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..

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  (+61): i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history.. http://tfl.nu/iskw
  Replies (9) Good night (1833) Bad night (453) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

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  (604): i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS http://tfl.nu/2yyy
  Replies (5) Good night (2642) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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  (519): Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed. http://tfl.nu/q7k6
  Replies (9) Good night (1150) Bad night (1469) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  Youre getting too old for this

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  (615): Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame. (1-615): Youre getting too old for this http://tfl.nu/7foh
  Replies (5) Good night (1260) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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  (586): I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me. http://tfl.nu/23ps
  Replies (8) Good night (3621) Bad night (462)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.

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  (812): I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday. http://tfl.nu/ol7y
  Replies (11) Good night (2042) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.

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  (780): Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it. http://tfl.nu/82ee
  Replies (8) Good night (2295) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country

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  (603): went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country http://tfl.nu/gkag
  Replies (8) Good night (4727) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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  (906): Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies http://tfl.nu/62p5
  Replies (12) Good night (3774) Bad night (681) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  That's science, my friend. Boner science.

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  (937): That's science, my friend. Boner science. http://tfl.nu/d39q
  Replies (7) Good night (2797) Bad night (644) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  how was ur day?

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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  (417): how was ur day? (405): this is strictly sexting don't make small talk. http://tfl.nu/95h7
  Replies (13) Good night (5991) Bad night (858)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.

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  (513): You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute. http://tfl.nu/xfpy
  Replies (6) Good night (2865) Bad night (1151) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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  (520): normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees. http://tfl.nu/d0ki
  Replies (11) Good night (3852) Bad night (774) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?

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  (716): Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country? http://tfl.nu/yu48
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.

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  (262): Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour. http://tfl.nu/rkpz
  Replies (5) Good night (2262) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

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  (707): Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car. http://tfl.nu/kt4h
  Replies (13) Good night (3657) Bad night (1674) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking

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  (970): I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking http://tfl.nu/lf0q
  Replies (8) Good night (2374) Bad night (971) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities

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  (603): I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities http://tfl.nu/wabu
  Replies (6) Good night (2968) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.

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  (609): My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance. http://tfl.nu/4x77
  Replies (8) Good night (722) Bad night (2253) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  He made me a "booty call of the year" award.

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  (360): He made me a "booty call of the year" award. http://tfl.nu/7b1z
  Replies (15) Good night (3518) Bad night (936) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend

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  (720): Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend http://tfl.nu/9h3j
  Replies (5) Good night (3126) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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  (260): just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead. http://tfl.nu/smv5
  Replies (20) Good night (3179) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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  (+44): Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand. http://tfl.nu/fdqs
  Replies (22) Good night (8082) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.

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  (940): Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America. http://tfl.nu/rtd9
  Replies (13) Good night (3811) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

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  (610): dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks http://tfl.nu/8rbl
  Replies (20) Good night (1767) Bad night (3315) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters

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  (517): He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters http://tfl.nu/qui3
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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  (404): Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february... http://tfl.nu/39i3
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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  (401): My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people http://tfl.nu/xhvq
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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  (218): all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/l2e8
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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  (609): did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes? http://tfl.nu/qlm2
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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  (724): Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks. http://tfl.nu/a8rg
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  (310): View more from California

  I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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  (310): I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub http://tfl.nu/zgaw
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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  (201): He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?" http://tfl.nu/srbv
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.

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  (778): I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT. http://tfl.nu/jn8b
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

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  (843): Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW. http://tfl.nu/o3ak
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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  (952): So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building http://tfl.nu/qsqb
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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  (978): I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now. http://tfl.nu/xddc
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  (518): View more from New York

  You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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  (518): You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops http://tfl.nu/ldeo
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?

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  (703): Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf? http://tfl.nu/zyca
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  (408): View more from California

  just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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  (408): just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right". http://tfl.nu/kg1e
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  (425): View more from Washington

  all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

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  (425): all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help. http://tfl.nu/bkkn
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

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  (719): we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall http://tfl.nu/c3tv
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.

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  (630): I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something. http://tfl.nu/fnx9
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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  (765): She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed http://tfl.nu/bbsg
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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  (256): He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front. http://tfl.nu/08qp
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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  (902): driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are. http://tfl.nu/vxum
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

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  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  bc i get to see you. naked.

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  (203): are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid? (203): bc i get to see you. naked. http://tfl.nu/db7h
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision

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  (908): i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision http://tfl.nu/741x
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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  (330): I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left http://tfl.nu/kqqk
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (818): View more from California

  apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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  (818): apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today" http://tfl.nu/nsmf
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  (801): View more from Utah

  we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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  (801): we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha http://tfl.nu/k58e
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  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
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  (310): View more from California

  So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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  (310): So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes http://tfl.nu/3hm9
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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  (303): just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals http://tfl.nu/h68j
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.

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  (719): I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment. http://tfl.nu/wmih
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  that's your solution for everything

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  (773): I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best (1-773): that's your solution for everything http://tfl.nu/v8le
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  (845): View more from New York

  he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

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  (845): he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail" http://tfl.nu/o5gt
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  (631): View more from New York

  she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

  (516): View more from New York

  nope.

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  (631): she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"? (516): nope. http://tfl.nu/1bih
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.

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  (540): I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans. http://tfl.nu/xkea
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled

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  (609): There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled http://tfl.nu/cbhx
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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  (704): The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it. http://tfl.nu/e919
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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  (803): I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene. http://tfl.nu/fj0l
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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  (252): Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won http://tfl.nu/atk6
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  (916): View more from California

  She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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  (916): She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad http://tfl.nu/bnzk
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  (530): View more from California

  I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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  (530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Why am I in a dog kennel?

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  It was for your own safety

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  (803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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  (773): well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it. http://tfl.nu/vp9s
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  (408): View more from California

  I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible

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  (408): I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible http://tfl.nu/my4k
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

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  (928): She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon. http://tfl.nu/cf99
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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  (405): New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top http://tfl.nu/zi79
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  (716): View more from New York

  i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.

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  (716): i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby. http://tfl.nu/gnwv
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song

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  (401): Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song http://tfl.nu/c63n
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in

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  (561): I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in http://tfl.nu/qgu1
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  how high are you?

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  (336): do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos? (828): how high are you? http://tfl.nu/9z76
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