shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
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She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk