I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Girls should come with a carfax report
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Porn is love you can see.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.