I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I spit up blood this morning
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"