thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.