i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours