She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter