Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
Me, myself and I
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.