it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
