On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Banned from zoo.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.