She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"