There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?