Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I told you penises don't tan
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The beer is more important than you right now.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Don't EVER smell your tampon
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Got a toothbrush?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...