Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize