Texts From Last Night

thesidekick's Favorites Texts:

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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
  Replies (51) Good night (15128) Bad night (3709) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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  (757): Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT" http://tfl.nu/x7ms
  Replies (22) Good night (14016) Bad night (1133)
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?

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  (434): because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july? http://tfl.nu/9gcl
  Replies (43) Good night (6831) Bad night (899) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.

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  (813): Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age. http://tfl.nu/rqe0
  Replies (26) Good night (1305) Bad night (5374) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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  (219): she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade. http://tfl.nu/8ipj
  Replies (11) Good night (3228) Bad night (1285) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  only on the fourth of july.

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  (813): right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming. (1-813): only on the fourth of july. http://tfl.nu/s13z
  Replies (20) Good night (7768) Bad night (1015) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days

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  (619): he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days http://tfl.nu/5mt6
  Replies (10) Good night (4696) Bad night (1024) Order T-Shirt
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  We need to talk about our relationship.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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  (575): We need to talk about our relationship. (403): I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes http://tfl.nu/0ub4
  Replies (20) Good night (8826) Bad night (1267)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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  (917): i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities http://tfl.nu/habk
  Replies (30) Good night (7304) Bad night (2650) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

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  (734): I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again. http://tfl.nu/x69l
  Replies (24) Good night (1237) Bad night (5111)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"

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  (401): apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot" http://tfl.nu/gtmt
  Replies (7) Good night (4993) Bad night (762) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
  Replies (118) Good night (39614) Bad night (1605) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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  (917): I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help http://tfl.nu/ynln
  Replies (26) Good night (5527) Bad night (1889) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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  (612): I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A http://tfl.nu/yjw5
  Replies (140) Good night (6999) Bad night (1643) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake

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  (214): I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake http://tfl.nu/be1r
  Replies (4) Good night (3373) Bad night (1021) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.

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  (604): Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be. http://tfl.nu/j7k8
  Replies (16) Good night (4723) Bad night (951) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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  (505): I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot http://tfl.nu/gw1u
  Replies (378) Good night (1926) Bad night (53576) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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  (240): I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you. http://tfl.nu/xn7n
  Replies (41) Good night (11185) Bad night (1191) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

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  (317): All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America. http://tfl.nu/3zlb
  Replies (13) Good night (5860) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

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  (919): We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash. http://tfl.nu/pn5n
  Replies (31) Good night (5639) Bad night (1371) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again

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  (703): Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again http://tfl.nu/33pv
  Replies (3) Good night (1584) Bad night (2518) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

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  (610): I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for? http://tfl.nu/9amw
  Replies (18) Good night (4545) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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  (204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0
  Replies (17) Good night (7030) Bad night (1006)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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  (404): They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans. http://tfl.nu/hk9w
  Replies (14) Good night (7146) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

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  (518): I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday. http://tfl.nu/tx0i
  Replies (16) Good night (6150) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week

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  (303): I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week http://tfl.nu/xhkj
  Replies (11) Good night (4132) Bad night (1492) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey man your outta milk

  (541): View more from Oregon

  How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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  (503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m
  Replies (17) Good night (10182) Bad night (1340)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

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  (203): She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday. (917): Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA. http://tfl.nu/ow5e
  Replies (11) Good night (8979) Bad night (970)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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  (248): So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in http://tfl.nu/mvwo
  Replies (15) Good night (6858) Bad night (851) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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  (502): one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why. http://tfl.nu/9zaj
  Replies (12) Good night (5012) Bad night (1080) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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  (443): There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees. http://tfl.nu/9alk
  Replies (42) Good night (1646) Bad night (6478) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.

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  (850): Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day. http://tfl.nu/xqgd
  Replies (13) Good night (4129) Bad night (1195) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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  (406): Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified. http://tfl.nu/dihz
  Replies (14) Good night (4877) Bad night (1492) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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  (502): I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore http://tfl.nu/n25p
  Replies (37) Good night (6438) Bad night (1185)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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  (917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d
  Replies (20) Good night (7427) Bad night (1641) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.

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  (480): omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house. http://tfl.nu/91p3
  Replies (60) Good night (1922) Bad night (5799) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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  (610): The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary. http://tfl.nu/0qxf
  Replies (19) Good night (2711) Bad night (5654)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?

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  (615): is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....? http://tfl.nu/4au4
  Replies (13) Good night (3212) Bad night (983) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
  Replies (51) Good night (17103) Bad night (1386)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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  (973): his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed http://tfl.nu/wvyq
  Replies (59) Good night (12982) Bad night (2180) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

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  (510): well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it http://tfl.nu/l3dc
  Replies (16) Good night (4551) Bad night (750) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

  (623): View more from Arizona

  And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

  (661): View more from California

  Exactly.

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  (661): aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet (623): And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs (661): Exactly. http://tfl.nu/5o7t
  Replies (18) Good night (6731) Bad night (932)
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
  Replies (42) Good night (3595) Bad night (8915) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...

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  (231): I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name... http://tfl.nu/p31n
  Replies (9) Good night (4372) Bad night (1017) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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  (218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u
  Replies (43) Good night (7893) Bad night (2356) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.

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  (780): We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts. http://tfl.nu/8v61
  Replies (16) Good night (765) Bad night (6140) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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  (309): Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still. http://tfl.nu/aa8c
  Replies (11) Good night (5585) Bad night (1163) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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  (813): Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room? http://tfl.nu/bp9i
  Replies (14) Good night (4826) Bad night (2180) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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  (410): just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks. http://tfl.nu/gf3t
  Replies (13) Good night (5959) Bad night (1157) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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  (301): did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right. http://tfl.nu/lg5g
  Replies (14) Good night (6461) Bad night (1000)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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  (404): I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party. http://tfl.nu/j6hi
  Replies (12) Good night (7004) Bad night (840)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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  (908): My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv. http://tfl.nu/oqts
  Replies (61) Good night (10565) Bad night (1631) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in

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  (845): just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in http://tfl.nu/l275
  Replies (5) Good night (4015) Bad night (1338) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  i think i left my bra at your place

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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  (901): i think i left my bra at your place (1-901): It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there. http://tfl.nu/dg7a
  Replies (22) Good night (10560) Bad night (878) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.

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  (718): He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race. http://tfl.nu/hbzv
  Replies (28) Good night (5983) Bad night (902) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?

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  (443): i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed? http://tfl.nu/sqdz
  Replies (27) Good night (1030) Bad night (5848) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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  (954): tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"? (1-954): Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards. http://tfl.nu/k91c
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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  (513): just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America http://tfl.nu/08yj
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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  (617): After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left. http://tfl.nu/2zbc
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  (716): View more from New York

  right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable

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  (716): right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable http://tfl.nu/dvma
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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  (404): There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase http://tfl.nu/jdu6
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  (619): View more from California

  she peed on how many people?

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  (619): she peed on how many people? http://tfl.nu/sqm0
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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  (210): I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink http://tfl.nu/9ici
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

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  (317): cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome http://tfl.nu/yrg8
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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  (+61): I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude. http://tfl.nu/5t8b
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.

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  (434): Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore. http://tfl.nu/10x7
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  (325): View more from Texas

  how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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  (325): how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit http://tfl.nu/gfh9
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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  (614): you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink. http://tfl.nu/tx6g
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  we've started having sober sex

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you really do like him

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  (860): we've started having sober sex (203): you really do like him http://tfl.nu/ocmd
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  (716): View more from New York

  she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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  (716): she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives. http://tfl.nu/3y3d
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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  (303): Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking. http://tfl.nu/3qfc
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  (607): View more from New York

  When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.

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  (607): When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up. http://tfl.nu/oiun
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  (310): View more from California

  dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore

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  (310): dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore http://tfl.nu/vh83
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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  (802): every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin. http://tfl.nu/un5l
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  (916): View more from California

  She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.

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  (916): She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/9b1u
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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  (850): Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual. http://tfl.nu/97w0
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

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  (513): Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth? http://tfl.nu/ukqr
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas

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  (907): the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas http://tfl.nu/bksv
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again

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  (+44): we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again http://tfl.nu/6h6m
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

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  (503): There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize. http://tfl.nu/694m
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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  (330): She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay. http://tfl.nu/hfdj
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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  (208): I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age. http://tfl.nu/hp0x
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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  (757): Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank" (201): hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins http://tfl.nu/g5wh
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.

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  (603): Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty. http://tfl.nu/d4ib
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.

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  (301): Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd. http://tfl.nu/3wwu
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  It's shedding

  (1-912): View more from Georgia

  I told you penises don't tan

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  (912): It's shedding (1-912): I told you penises don't tan http://tfl.nu/7fx9
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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  (541): Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk http://tfl.nu/l5et
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  (925): View more from California

  After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.

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  (925): After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup. http://tfl.nu/n6kw
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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  (908): Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic. http://tfl.nu/hh2b
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  (805): View more from California

  He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.

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  (805): He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have. http://tfl.nu/ny5u
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.

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  (617): Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant. http://tfl.nu/y6pb
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  (409): View more from Texas

  First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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  (409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance. http://tfl.nu/3lur
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  (407): View more from Florida

  So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves

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  (407): So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves http://tfl.nu/mggy
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  What?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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  (484): THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH. (610): What? (484): A TROUGH FOR VOMIT. http://tfl.nu/8z8s
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.

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  (314): Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late. http://tfl.nu/bosu
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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  (610): I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs. http://tfl.nu/uj0s
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  (714): View more from California

  drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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  (714): drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well. http://tfl.nu/2mtg
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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  (404): hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma. http://tfl.nu/dkbg
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  (650): View more from California

  we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  god you guys know how to party

  (650): View more from California

  worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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  (650): we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed (505): god you guys know how to party (650): worst. bachelorette party. ever. http://tfl.nu/3oqx
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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  (704): he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen. http://tfl.nu/oi0t
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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  (203): so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same http://tfl.nu/kiu0
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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  (757): hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found... http://tfl.nu/titb
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  (949): View more from California

  I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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  (949): I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people. http://tfl.nu/vbtd
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.

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  (919): Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment. http://tfl.nu/yr4f
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

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  (303): Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead? http://tfl.nu/o3ef
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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  (908): i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer... http://tfl.nu/lulm
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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  (250): A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja http://tfl.nu/h6o5
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

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  (517): I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again. http://tfl.nu/bm5p
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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  (513): Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home http://tfl.nu/jyep
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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  (419): I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight. http://tfl.nu/kz23
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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  (216): somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen. http://tfl.nu/y8ck
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  I ordered a moonbounce.

  (813): View more from Florida

  Fuck, you win.

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  (813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party. (1-813): I ordered a moonbounce. (813): Fuck, you win. http://tfl.nu/qedv
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

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  (807): yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd http://tfl.nu/28g8
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
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  (949): View more from California

  You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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  (949): You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5? http://tfl.nu/3tc1
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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  (843): Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place http://tfl.nu/sgjx
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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  (519): Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die. http://tfl.nu/wxg3
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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  (804): finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets. http://tfl.nu/gp9t
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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  (336): You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed. http://tfl.nu/cedv
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  (979): View more from Texas

  You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

  (713): View more from Texas

  When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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  (979): You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands (713): When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things http://tfl.nu/2j2p
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  Joe or Chris?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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  (314): I hate the hobo that sits outside our building (1-314): Joe or Chris? (314): do i even wanna kno y u kno their names? (1-314): well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye. http://tfl.nu/9vla
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself

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  (401): Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself http://tfl.nu/jjur
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  (951): View more from California

  Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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  (951): Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable. http://tfl.nu/q51j
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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  (205): I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean. http://tfl.nu/fik0
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?

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  (301): I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus? http://tfl.nu/vinz
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