Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.