Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.