they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hippo gnu deer
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"