that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
It's Friday. Sex?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
someone owes me an orgasm
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I bet he comes in French.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.