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I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
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