If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.