while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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