Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...