I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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