well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My vagina just recognized that song.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
His hands were made for my vagina.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE