Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So many bounce houses so little time
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
