Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The best revenge is premature balding
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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