Texts From Last Night · Yo

Yo_Haze's Favorites Texts:

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(518): View more from New York

idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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(812): View more from Indiana

it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked

(1-812): View more from Indiana

tasteful.

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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(574): View more from Indiana

i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone

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(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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(432): View more from Texas

He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"

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(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.

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(917): View more from New York City

giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head

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(503): View more from Oregon

Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.

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(214): View more from Texas

hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?

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(630): View more from Illinois

i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head

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(631): View more from New York

I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(518): View more from New York

He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes

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(734): View more from Michigan

she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story

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(925): View more from California

just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook

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(614): View more from Ohio

Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.

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(514): View more from Quebec

take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening

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(310): View more from California

Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage

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(415): View more from California

what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.

(203): View more from Connecticut

Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.

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(207): View more from Maine

hows the new call of duty?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(425): View more from Washington

My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(512): View more from Texas

what did gay clubs do before lady gaga

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(716): View more from New York

Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(845): View more from New York

the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well

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(831): View more from California

just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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(310): View more from California

He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.

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(703): View more from Virginia

im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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(313): View more from Michigan

i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.

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(513): View more from Ohio

woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her

(513): View more from Ohio

me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..

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(631): View more from New York

stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.

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(916): View more from California

Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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(718): View more from New York

you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"

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(518): View more from New York

They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up

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(907): View more from Alaska

frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(269): View more from Michigan

I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.

(616): View more from Michigan

Who said I want to share with you?

(269): View more from Michigan

You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(310): View more from California

Slut skills are useful in every country.

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(661): View more from California

Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.

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(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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(909): View more from California

is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(417): View more from Missouri

Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you talking about my vagina?

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(406): View more from Montana

i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....

(614): View more from Ohio

We've got ourselves a situation

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester

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(404): View more from Georgia

Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(240): View more from Maryland

He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...

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(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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(646): View more from New York

My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(630): View more from Illinois

his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(317): View more from Indiana

sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".

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(630): View more from Illinois

he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage

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(917): View more from New York City

It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.

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(518): View more from New York

are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(518): View more from New York

we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me

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(909): View more from California

so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.

(1-909): View more from California

I worship thee.

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

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(904): View more from Florida

taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(408): View more from California

I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Quoting wale wont save you from herpes

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(760): View more from California

My pussy is not your playground.

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

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(540): View more from Virginia

Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(303): View more from Colorado

friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

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(613): View more from Ontario

Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...

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(650): View more from California

last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(440): View more from Ohio

One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm

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(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

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(630): View more from Illinois

he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.

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Yo_Haze's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

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