You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
