she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I told you penises don't tan
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests