so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
