He felt like a one man threesome
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dating After Heartbreak
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I love having hate sex.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.