the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
