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I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
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