Texts From Last Night

Mr_V's Favorites Texts:

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  (319): View more from Iowa

  You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..

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  (319): You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer.. http://tfl.nu/i9am
  Replies (1) Good night (302) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror

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  (865): He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror http://tfl.nu/h00k
  Replies (4) Good night (201) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.

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  (630): She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love. http://tfl.nu/5dr3
  Replies (6) Good night (1536) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.

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  (262): Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin. http://tfl.nu/5ywh
  Replies (2) Good night (381) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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  (304): Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd. http://tfl.nu/1o4y
  Replies (18) Good night (2435) Bad night (310)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.

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  (740): Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon. http://tfl.nu/2uoq
  Replies (8) Good night (365) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila

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  (415): Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila http://tfl.nu/mhdt
  Replies (8) Good night (1755) Bad night (2366) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.

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  (601): You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass. http://tfl.nu/96n6
  Replies (7) Good night (2139) Bad night (306)
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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  (620): Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams. http://tfl.nu/9m3g
  Replies (7) Good night (1290) Bad night (391) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
  Replies (26) Good night (3767) Bad night (647)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.

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  (770): Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this. http://tfl.nu/gsh2
  Replies (3) Good night (1446) Bad night (635)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.

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  (206): He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking. http://tfl.nu/jryu
  Replies (25) Good night (6024) Bad night (724)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.

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  (513): Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants. http://tfl.nu/xbb5
  Replies (1) Good night (1161) Bad night (229)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?

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  (218): Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday? http://tfl.nu/s08h
  Replies (5) Good night (1998) Bad night (776) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.

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  (602): I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets. http://tfl.nu/wv2q
  Replies (10) Good night (1138) Bad night (320)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am

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  (904): I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am http://tfl.nu/dm8p
  Replies (9) Good night (2049) Bad night (446) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.

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  (843): The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover. http://tfl.nu/181u
  Replies (17) Good night (1459) Bad night (584) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  ... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs

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  (949): ... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs http://tfl.nu/niav
  Replies (6) Good night (1795) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent

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  (+44): In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent http://tfl.nu/3kq5
  Replies (12) Good night (3609) Bad night (777) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i am way too old to be getting fingered at work

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  (519): i am way too old to be getting fingered at work http://tfl.nu/4t42
  Replies (37) Good night (5848) Bad night (1329) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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  (443): Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest. http://tfl.nu/68lv
  Replies (22) Good night (5275) Bad night (3125) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents

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  (814): the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents http://tfl.nu/oebu
  Replies (3) Good night (1812) Bad night (512) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
  Replies (19) Good night (14900) Bad night (1694) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?

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  (870): She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her? http://tfl.nu/qt09
  Replies (3) Good night (1454) Bad night (239) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

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  (901): Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood? (1-901): Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine. http://tfl.nu/uq9s
  Replies (3) Good night (1627) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.

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  (971): I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up. http://tfl.nu/s3lx
  Replies (4) Good night (1286) Bad night (339) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.

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  (773): I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in. http://tfl.nu/6fvt
  Replies (8) Good night (1513) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.

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  (217): I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound. http://tfl.nu/nj12
  Replies (5) Good night (323) Bad night (767) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

  (631): View more from New York

  i got hit in the ear.

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  (631): these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby. (631): i got hit in the ear. http://tfl.nu/qr8z
  Replies (6) Good night (2226) Bad night (977)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart

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  (605): its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart http://tfl.nu/w4xp
  Replies (7) Good night (1829) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

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  (434): They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me. http://tfl.nu/rhi7
  Replies (3) Good night (1769) Bad night (218) Order T-Shirt
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.

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  (574): If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time. http://tfl.nu/3esg
  Replies (3) Good night (1941) Bad night (833) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  RIP Mr Bojangles.

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  (910): In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic. (919): RIP Mr Bojangles. http://tfl.nu/00j7
  Replies (13) Good night (1047) Bad night (1982)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.

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  (734): Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator. http://tfl.nu/c745
  Replies (1) Good night (553) Bad night (280)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in

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  (724): Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in http://tfl.nu/7o0k
  Replies (11) Good night (545) Bad night (1220)
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  (585): View more from New York

  Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.

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  (585): Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend. http://tfl.nu/49qc
  Replies (8) Good night (921) Bad night (388)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.

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  (850): I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail. http://tfl.nu/etfk
  Replies (4) Good night (464) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

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  (281): Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success. http://tfl.nu/agha
  Replies (1) Good night (1672) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."

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  (570): Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could." http://tfl.nu/hbr4
  Replies (2) Good night (441) Bad night (710) Order T-Shirt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

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  (514): So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much? http://tfl.nu/8ysl
  Replies (7) Good night (1524) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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  (314): Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won http://tfl.nu/r5as
  Replies (6) Good night (3365) Bad night (550)
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  (530): View more from California

  Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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  (530): Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection http://tfl.nu/e8qx
  Replies (24) Good night (913) Bad night (5507) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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  (714): Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends. http://tfl.nu/ft9d
  Replies (17) Good night (4263) Bad night (574) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?

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  (570): there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i? http://tfl.nu/asxg
  Replies (5) Good night (1612) Bad night (445)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

  (747): View more from California

  Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

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  (256): I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks. (747): Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either. http://tfl.nu/6mbq
  Replies (22) Good night (3822) Bad night (599)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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  (802): just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke! http://tfl.nu/q0f1
  Replies (39) Good night (6894) Bad night (1826) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA

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  (302): THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA http://tfl.nu/kl6y
  Replies (6) Good night (1201) Bad night (767) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?

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  (916): Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night? http://tfl.nu/oh7z
  Replies (5) Good night (1661) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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  (509): She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center http://tfl.nu/9ea5
  Replies (14) Good night (5164) Bad night (1078) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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  (989): i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway. http://tfl.nu/zfm5
  Replies (1) Good night (2405) Bad night (527)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.

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  (850): Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either. http://tfl.nu/kaox
  Replies (1) Good night (1170) Bad night (1766)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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  (+44): This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant! http://tfl.nu/ns2k
  Replies (7) Good night (4262) Bad night (594)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.

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  (303): What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad. http://tfl.nu/nd1v
  Replies (12) Good night (2127) Bad night (777) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.

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  (765): Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake. http://tfl.nu/5qrv
  Replies (8) Good night (1722) Bad night (1111) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

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  (732): Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve http://tfl.nu/de13
  Replies (4) Good night (4352) Bad night (687) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.

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  (914): They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk. http://tfl.nu/dygh
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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  (339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys. http://tfl.nu/p4yk
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  (585): View more from New York

  What's the over under on catching something from your sister?

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  (585): What's the over under on catching something from your sister? http://tfl.nu/0z2a
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.

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  (613): Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in. http://tfl.nu/gv1u
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak

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  (479): You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid (918): I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak http://tfl.nu/f0ta
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....

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  (217): it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning.... http://tfl.nu/jakw
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.

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  (614): The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN. http://tfl.nu/jkdc
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm pregnant.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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  (407): I'm pregnant. (1-407): The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number??? http://tfl.nu/ivb7
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face

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  (952): like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face http://tfl.nu/ozvq
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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  (781): i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage http://tfl.nu/ka66
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Salt in an open wound right now.

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  (301): I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job. (704): How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore? (301): Salt in an open wound right now. http://tfl.nu/m9a1
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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  (864): Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that. http://tfl.nu/ou7s
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him

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  (419): I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him http://tfl.nu/czew
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  (845): View more from New York

  I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'

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  (845): I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.' http://tfl.nu/qnb2
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  (408): View more from California

  do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??

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  (408): do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend?? http://tfl.nu/xsua
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  (718): View more from New York

  She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet

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  (718): She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet http://tfl.nu/l8w6
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.

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  (864): her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality. http://tfl.nu/j8og
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me

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  (973): An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me http://tfl.nu/o6hs
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  (562): View more from California

  Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics

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  (562): Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics http://tfl.nu/ne8m
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  (283): View more from Ohio

  by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?

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  (283): by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours? http://tfl.nu/2a7f
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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  (862): I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands! http://tfl.nu/blis
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!

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  (210): Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together! http://tfl.nu/bu70
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  (817): View more from Texas

  They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

  (817): View more from Texas

  You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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  (817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip

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  (703): drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip http://tfl.nu/b5at
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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  (973): He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird. http://tfl.nu/n9dq
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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  (616): She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross http://tfl.nu/ueo2
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.

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  (623): Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight. http://tfl.nu/ky5x
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

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  (860): She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused. http://tfl.nu/7uxa
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  (512): Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her. http://tfl.nu/6ypm
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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  (706): Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out http://tfl.nu/wj5z
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

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  (717): Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself. http://tfl.nu/4nxp
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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  (717): Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move. http://tfl.nu/kgo8
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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  (814): I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography. http://tfl.nu/gojc
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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  (702): Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride http://tfl.nu/xs6r
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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  (610): I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse. http://tfl.nu/qk0b
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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  (802): my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME??? http://tfl.nu/x0d6
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  (805): View more from California

  you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.

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  (805): you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out. http://tfl.nu/ndw1
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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  (971): this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word http://tfl.nu/bykc
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

  (703): View more from Virginia

  this can't be going anywhere good

  (571): View more from Virginia

  nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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  (571): Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah.. (703): this can't be going anywhere good (571): nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\ http://tfl.nu/4i13
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  (323): View more from California

  Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

  (1-323): View more from California

  We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

  (323): View more from California

  Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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  (323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender? (1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out? (323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture. http://tfl.nu/sr23
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  (518): View more from New York

  my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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  (518): my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her... http://tfl.nu/xju0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

  (510): View more from California

  YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  (303): I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it. (510): YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/7kxq
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  (407): View more from Florida

  my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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  (407): my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed. http://tfl.nu/xljx
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.

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  (+44): made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012. http://tfl.nu/7rf8
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

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  (602): Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house? http://tfl.nu/arpl
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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  (732): I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen http://tfl.nu/5vux
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