I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
with your own penis?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i dont even know how to be here
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today