I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.