dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
ok i will unlock the door
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i can juggle bunnies
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one