your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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