im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Houston, we have a squirter
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm passing your future prison.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"