i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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