Acid is not a monday night drug
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
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I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...