One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
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He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
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He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't deserve a penis
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets