I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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