I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....