we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
His hands were made for my vagina.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.